A Friend Passing

This month has been a taxing month for me spiritually, emotionally, etc. You name it. And, what makes it all so screwy is that I have the awareness to know that it is not that bad. Could be much worse. Still, I'm exhausted.

This evening my sister calls me to inform me that a mutual childhood friend of ours passed away.

His name was Kendall.
He was 25.

He used to come and knock on my door and ask my mother if I could 'come out and play'. Back in the days where you went out to play ALL day and did not come back home till the lights came on.

Kendall had cystic fibrosis and many other physical ailments that provided all kinds of complications also stunting his growth. Kendall was also a kick-ass Teather Ball player. A Teather ball was a ball linked to a pole by a rope that you and another player hit back and forth like assisted tennis. Except you used your hands and could not hit the rope. The goal was to wrap the roped ball around the pole. Kendall, my sis, and I lived in a ghetto so we made our own version of Teather Ball. We took a busted stuffed animal and tied it with rope to the 'No Parking Sign'. This made us popular kids in the hood. We had many adventures.

Kendall also hung out with my sister and I on Saturdays at the apartment complex washiteria. Laundry would take hours and since we had to stay lest our clothes get stolen, he would hang with us. One year my sis and I got new bikes. We weren't allowed to let others ride them. So, my sis and I would take turns "pumping" Kendall (pumping= letting someone sit between the handle bars). And, occassionally, when mom was deep into cooking or on the phone, we would let him take a turn around the block.

And, as time passed, we went our seperate ways. Kendall and my sister became closer because of the natural age similarity. A few years ago he found me on myspace. We became 'virtual' friends.

And, it was virtually that I informed others of his passing.

Technically, through my sister's wishes, I helped her post a bulletin on myspace of his recent death in an effort to inform all of his friends. I also aided her wishes to post a heartfelt comment on his page. That was a highly unsual feeling for me adding on to this peculiar month. Really? Am I posting a Death Bulletin on Myspace?? Is this the new way to communicate?? Having been to over 40 or 50 funerals in my lifetime (relatives passing and my family were church singers), I have learned that there is no 'right' way of expressing this kind of news or grief. So, why not online? The sooner, the better. Friends may get an opportunity to express their feelings than find out later. People who would have otherwise not known.

So, amidst the online games and applications, the "What 80's movie are you most like" and "Send A Friend A Drink Requests", I post this...

Kendall,

You were a great friend.
You added adventure to my childhood.
You had spirit, ambition, and determination.
You had struggles.
You were resilient.
And, you were triumphant.
I am thankful to have known you.
And, your family shall be in my prayers.

Stay in peace,
Heather

A New Year Is Approaching...

Time: 9:45 pm

I figured I'd get a little writing in before the new year. Farewell 2008. You have taught me much.

Some lessons that I have learned this year:

Like a muscle that stretches and bleeds as it grows stronger, I have learned that I possess unfathomable strength. That each struggle I am presently encountering is the spiritual lesson necessary for the evolution of my personal growth.

I have learned that "One conscious breath is a meditation".

Often times it is has come to my attention that it is better to be respected rather than liked. This is vital especially if I have to choose between the two amongst strangers, acquaintances, and people other than family and friends. Intimate persons in my life are worth my concerns of their opinions, and even that is in moderation.

I have learned that "NO" is a complete sentence.

Imperative to my health, I have learned that I must surround myself by people, places, and things that 'charge' me. There are people that are drainers. They complain without taking action, enjoy the company of misery, and live in perpetual fear. In contrasts, there are people that enliven, seek creative expression and fulfillment, and find the joy amidst the dark. So, rather than being in the company of 'drainers', I seek theh 'chargers'. And, those may include true friends, loving family, great art, sensual nature, and the beauties of the world found in the most unexpected of places.

Yes, I have learned that at the end of the day, that all I have and ever will have is the present moment and how I perceive that moment.

And, right now, resolutions and intentions in hand I am grateful for this past year, look forward to the ball drop, and most importantly value this present moment of writing and sharing this moment with you.

Happy New Year.

Road to Demi-Goddessdom

Demi-Goddess
Pronunciation: \ˈde-mē-ˌgä-dəs\
Function: noun
Date: 1603
1 : a mythological being with more power than a mortal but less than a god
2 : a person so outstanding as to seem to approach the divine


I was lying once in bliss with you.
"You're not a goddess", you amended me. "Rather, a demi-one"
"How dare you?!", I uncertainly shot back.
Would Adam have said such to Eve in their naked discovery?
Fire flooded me. Its passion ready to ignite or destroy.
And, as lovers find, teasing and heat give way to other smoldering.
But, embers remained.
Later, when the fires settled, I thought...

I'm going to have explore this one.

What gave you the right pull me from my noble seat?
What allowed me to allow you to de-throne me?
But, as not to anger the Gods, for they love Pride,
I must not pronounce to know it all. So,
all things considered,
I conceded and

I'm going to run with you on this one.

Demi-Me. What does that mean?
Almost divine? On the way?
Close to perfection? Falling short?
Slightly more there than what is seen?
"Demi" holds the secret. It is the tricky part.
And, I have to confess-

I'm growing to love the 'demi' in me.

I can accept that I'm not perfect. I can accept that there's work
to be done.
I'm molding. Being molded.
Continuously transforming.
But, I'm moving.
Moving closer toward what is and what is not.
I am claiming my right to be loved, my right to be revered.
Pursuing this road is not easy, but I want my 'wings'.
I want them unrevocably and absolutely.
I push on and push on and climb higher to become some 'thing' greater than myself.
The problem is...

I'm not encountering you on this path.

Like Oedipus traversed unseen ground, I was blinded.
I was blinded with Pride and the Gods were not happy.
In my attempt to mask my uncertainty,
I fought vehemently.
Fought to defend what I did not understand.
In my blind fire, I forgot the most important thing.

I did not ask why I called myself Goddess to you in the first place.

There in lies the 'demi' in me. A fatal error.
For I called myself Goddess to remind you to treat me better.
Or better, the demi in me harked Goddess to remind me.
And as the heat of Distraction (a tricky demon itself) smoldered my eyes, I lost myself with you.
And, you've proved a Distraction ever since.
But, I am learning this...

I'm going to have to cut you loose.

And, not just you, my love. All of you.
For you are many.
A legion of de-throners and I can not have that.
You suspected some 'thing' in me all along.
I suspected some 'thing', too, but it was not the same.
And, now I cannot see you the same because I cannot see myself the same.
How can I accept less of you when I am asking more of myself?
Here is the impasse.
And, you knew we would come to it.
That's why you 'demi-ed' me so as not to deny yourself.
For now I know who I am becoming.
And, because I know, I cannot wander in this garden anymore.
There are raging waters elsewhere and I need to drink.
You are not coming with me. I see that now.

I leave with the hopes that someday I will encounter another on my journeys.
One who is on his own path.
Moving.
Moving Forward.
I will wear that hope as my satchel as my feet continue there climb higher.
I will sing a prayer to the Gods.

"Forgive me, PRIDE, but I want more than a mere mortal.
It is my inherent birthright."

And, I will wait.

Terror of The Blank Page

Terror of the Blank Page
Coming to a theatre near you

Coming to a home near you. Coming to a desk near you.
Coming to haunt you in your sleep. Coming to anxiously greet you when you wake.

What is it about creating from scratch that is utterly terrifying?
I've recently commited to honoring a writing hour every day, rain or shine.
One hour. That's it. I can do that.
Horrifying.

In fact, creating from nothing could be made into a horror movie. Imagine. Slow, scary chanting choir singing as the camera weaves up creaky dark stairs through a room to come upon a desk. There lies a blank computer screen. Or a blank page on the desk. The camera turns to the writer. A look of horror on their face. And, then the cheap suprise! The phone rings. Its a friend. Calling with some gossip. Relief!

Or really?

Procrastination would have to be cast as that friend in the horror film that you trust all the way up to the end, till you discover that they are in on it. Or they are, in fact, the killer!

But, how do you dramatize Procrastination? It comes in the form of the need to clean the bathroom or the need to purchase the right highlighter for your little home office. Its seemingly so trustworthy in its intentions. So docile. Of course its the creative killer.

At least that's what I'm learning. But, WHY do we procrastinate? Why, when usually the things we want most that are good for us are a result of doing the exact opposite?

Fear, perhaps. Fear could be the underlying reason. But, then that would suggest that we fear doing what makes us better. And, that is the part that baffles my mind. Is it really just easier for us to accept our own mediorcity?

Like right now, I just have the sudden desire to clip my nails. I'm only 15 minutes into my writing hour. Forty-five minutes seem like an ocean of minutes. Really? Is this it? Is there where the diabolical treachery comes forth? My own self-sabotage?

I suppose so. But, I'm learning that you sit through the hour anyway. Its training. It primes you. It stretches you. It teaches you discipline. It becomes (eventually) second nature. And, then Inspiration may come to the rescue.

Oh, I really hope so. I'll sit till I find out. I can't clip my nails if I'm typing.

My Birthday

Though its a half past midnight, its still my birthday! I was born 3:57pm Louisiana time so technically my birthday is not over till Oprah's on tomorrow.
He he he.

I had a good birthday. Not only did I receive warm wishes through phone calls, text messages, and facebook messages, but I allowed myself to just send some many warm wishes to myself. I indulged myself in an hour and half long massage. It was replenishing. And, I made wishes. Lots and lots of wishes. And, this year I am determined to make each one manifest.

Once, I uncovered in some self-help book that in order to be whole and successful you must have goals in five major areas that comprise your life. Those areas are relationships, physical, financial, intellectual, and spiritual. I have amended this idea for myself. I choose to observe and create goals for to improve the quality of my relationships, finances, health, creativity, and spiritual. And, many of my birthday wishes center around some of these areas.

So, those are my goals - to create goals and then take immediate action. I aim for these to be vivid goals in the areas of my life that I find in much need of clarification. I am so inspired by history being made recently that I can only ask more of myself. A few good friends of mine are taking risks and pouring themselves into their passions; they are taking paths that is daunting, but I am sure will lead them to great freedom, success, and self-worth.

"You are the average of the five people you most hang around with."
-Jim Rohn

One goal of mine is to continuously surround myself with positive action driven people. Because I am aiming to become better than average, I want to be in the company of greatness. And, that begins with me and my actions.

And, there are many others. I want to use my words impeccably. I want to stay more in the moment. My brooding trips to the past and future visits are being booked round trip, getting back to the NOW station on the express train. These are the loftier goals, but the most important.

My birthday, in many ways, has been like a new years day. A beginning. I have reviewed and celebrated major accomplishments from this past year. And today, in many ways, has been a deathday. I'm prepared to say goodbye to some bad habits. Ready to rise above this year's past failures. Ready to embrace change. So, I suppose tomorrow (after 3:57pm, of course) will be my "Re-Birthday".

Whatever keeps the celebration going.

My Offering

So, I've just been informed this week that my mother is set to be hospitalized for the next five weeks. For those of you that do not know, my mom's health is very topsy-turvy. She has a serious of challenges, namely, her skin. She has psoraisis over half of her body and it acts as a poor body armor against various bacteria. So, often than we'd all like, she is prone to infections. This hospital visit started as an inquiry into her swollen arthritic right knee. Further evaluation uncovers a growing infection in that knee which was operated on a couple days ago. Though the surgery was successful in its clearing purposes, she has to undergo blood transfusions and remain in observation. For 5 weeks!

Its not like I haven't been to this rodeo before. One year, I think it was my senior year of high scool, she was in the hospital for two months. One month at Tulane in New Orleans and another month at Lourdes in Lafayette. I believe that year she was in the hospital no less than 7 times. Earlier this year she battled a toxic septic infection that had her in the ICU for a week and half. I flew down in haste, all of us family dreading...Fortuantely, I was able to experience my mother in recovery, coherent the last two days of my trip.

Its much. In fact, sometimes I feel these health challenges are more than the share that should be given. But, then who does that make me? God? Does God really dole out everyone's share? The Devil, then? I'm exhausted of people blaming their woes on the devil, too. In fact, sometimes I think he gets more than his share of bad press when in fact we are responsible for many of our woes.

But, for the most part, my mom is not entirely responsible for her challenges after challenges when it comes to her health. Only recently have I become acquainted with accepting my responsibility when it comes to how I respond to these health challenges. This has been a very long and harrowing journey to come to these revelations. I, too, was a blamer of the Devil and mostly, a blamer of God. Only in these past two years have I started to develop a more clearer spiritual relationship with myself. This relationship alluding to higher understandings that I am (and I suspect always) will continue to uncover. And, there are some clear princples that I am becoming very acquainted with. One is that I have the choice (and perhaps this is the only choice I do have in this world) to adjust how I react to life. Another principle is that all things are impermanent. Nothing last forever. And, if I could truly swallow this- not bitterly- I may taste the exquisteness of each passing experience. And, this acceptance of passing moments leads me to the most fundamental principle I have unearthed this year- I will only have this moment. Nothing else. As my grandmother says when one worries, "Don't go borrowing trouble". I cannot borrow the future and the past does not exist. Only this moment exists.

Yeah, that's alot to take in.

I have decided to write my mom every day for the duration of her stay. She enjoys it when I write to her and its a release for me. Witnessing her in vulnerable situations where I am often incapable of doing much more to help her- I cling to the idea that in dark times, in unsure times, the action of creation can be the most healing gift offered. So, I plan to write her. My letters like little offerings to a higher realm. May little creations guide our spirits to healing.



The Serenity Prayer
(Extended version with my spiritually preferential adjustments)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the path to peace;
Taking, as [I] must, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that [I] will make all things right
if I surrender to [a Higher] Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with [Understanding]
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

An Epic Day

The last 72 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. Emotions I've suppressed would no longer contain themselves.

And, today they have been freed.

Many people are celebrating Barack Obama's presidential triumph. As we all should. It signifies great change. Many of us have worked very hard and hoped even harder. And, especially in the current state of our country - a CELEBRATION is in order!

The most vital lesson I am receiving is that journey is everything. Sure the destination is extraordinary, but it is measured by the small steps that pave the way. This day is the sum of all of the other smaller steps. A sum of all of the successes and failures. A sum of failing better by succeeding through persevering. Patience, determination, unity, and many more qualities of the human spirit are exemplified in the palpable feeling in the nation's air.

I can't help but apply all that I am bearing witness to empower the small steps that I take in my life right now. Witnessing such a momentous occasion as this inspires me to be better. Shows me that I can be better. That I can set goals to stretch myself, to reach beyond myself. Today has been big for me because I truly feel that a brilliant mirror has been held up and shown to me. And, while before I suspected and believed in my own potential- I am grateful that I have been presented with a glorious reflection of what potential really is.

"Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive, because your words become your behaviors.
Keep your behaviors positive, because your behaviors become your habits.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny."

-Mahatma Gandhi